Day 17 Monday 30 July

Well, this weekend is has been a busy one.  Have I mentioned that in all of this madness, I've been trying to find a new job?  That's about as fun as injecting rubbing alcohol into my eye using a 4 gauge needle.  I have a friend from my high school days that said it well when she said that email has just given people another vehicle to be rude.  As I sit here, I have about 5 doors partially open as I am being evaluated whether or not my past experiences and preparations warrant new opportunities.  How fun.  Let me quickly catch you up to speed.



Saturday, Day 15:  Hunger and lots of food I couldn't eat mixed with not planning my schedule correctly allowing my body to run out of nutrients so dizziness and warbliness were my constant companions.  I finished Saturday on Sunday morning getting ready for service.  Breakfast was whole wheat pancakes and eggwhites. Lunch was tuna.  Dinner never happened.  At some point I at yogurt.

Sunday, Day 16:  I woke up with half my wife's arm digesting in my stomach.  She's ok with it now though.  I made some whole grain muffins ... didn't feel them hit bottom.  Sunday lunch was a wheat roll stuffed with veggies.  By two, I was back at work getting ready for the evening service.  The last Sunday of each month our church does a game/movie night ... and they bring in the food.  The most wonderful of deli meats and cheeses with every good non allowed roll known to man.  Then the hot dogs ... I am craving two all beef hot dogs served on a real roll (yankees you know what I'm talking about) over cheddar cheese with onions, mustard, and sauerkraut with some sweet relish.  Not 5 or 6 like days gone past ... just two.  They smelled so good!  Then they make something like sausage jambalaya or something like that with all sorts of different dips and the like.  Fortunately they had fruit and veggie trays which I guarded like a secret service agent watching over the president's daughter.  I may or may not have also growled at some of the members as they approached within 10 feet of the garden area.

The kids had a blast, which was the goal.  But then we got home and I was in trouble.  This rabbit food goes through me so fast that I am not sure if my memories of eating are replays of actual events or symptoms of food associated post traumatic stress disorder.  So I tried to eat an apple with the core and knife still in it (felt like that anyways) but then I got that throat closing thing .. I couldn't get anything down.  I felt like the whole apple was stuck in my throat (hence the knife reference) and nothing would move it down ... injury to insult: it was burning my throat so badly I couldn't clear it or talk ... like pepper stuck.  It was awful.  I drank almost a gallon of water but no help.  Anybody have a clue what that is all about?  I really need a food expert to find his or her way onto my site ... maybe some of you moms might know.  It was awful.

Today, Day 17:  The blockage worked its way through my system sometime around 10am.  I ate some oatmeal with that cane syrup I told you about (pure from the farm) and some apples and fruit in it.  Really like that taste ... but today I experience a new sensation with my typical selection of nutrient matter: I am bored with my food.  I want something different.  This vacuums terribly b/c I have no desire to eat anymore but I need to ... I need the energy.  So I am now entering the discipline phase of my revolution where I am going to have to find within me the ability to do what is right and find joy in that.  I knew this was coming.  But, being that my mission is to see food as a resource and not a fulfillment of pleasurable ecstasy, this is a mountain I am going to have to climb.  Avoiding it by just finding new ways to do the same thing will only delay this process and make it harder ... so here goes. 

Hey, tomorrow is my 36th birthday ... my wife makes my favorite cake in all the world.  It's this heavenly concoction of homemade yellow cake with this homemade icing from heaven ... I hate the standard icing on cakes .. I have no desire to eat sugar mixed with shortening.  She makes my icings from things like puddings and cream cheese and whipped cream and things like that.  Typically, I would order the menu of the day which would consist of very large marinated steaks, lamb chops, and pork chops grilled to perfection with grilled potatoes, baked beans with thick bacon, and some shrimp.  Somewhere on the table would be corn on the cob surrounded by baked breads.  A salad would be there somewhere too but I would have no need for it.  That will not happen tomorrow.  My hope and goal is for that not to ever happen again ... out of balance.  Tomorrow will consist of yogurts (that I really like but am a little familiar with now), leafy things in abundance, and some grilled chicken for sure.  I might grill some salmon filets ... we'll see how the day goes. 

I know that some of you are thinking or saying something along the lines of, "It's only one day; what's the big deal?"  The big deal is that I said that no matter what I was going to do this for four total weeks.  I said, in a previous post, how stuff always comes up that we use as excuses to not finish the paths of discipline that we so long to fulfill.   This is merely another day ... one that will pass ... and for me it will be one that passes without the regret of later realizing that the excuse was not validated after all.  What better birthday present can I give myself that to not give in to a craving I know is in direct opposition to an unfulfilled goal. 

Those of you who know me from my young years remember a kid who had no direction and did as he pleased ultimately proving he had not idea how to show respect for himself and burned a lot of bridges in the process of getting nowhere in the name of fun.  Those of you who known me in recent past remember a guy who has attempted to master the art of burning a candle at all ends of the stick... but never takes care of home base.  Those of you who know me now know a guy trying to protect home base at all costs ... because it's in a state of major disrepair.

Hopefully, people in my future will know me as a guy who takes care of the first things first while able to balance multiple directions at once while able to have fun at a moments notice and let go of the office ... the merging of the three.I am aware of people who take these personality tests and then use the results to justify behavior ... good or bad.  The purpose of knowing yourself is not to justify, it is to modify and adjust.  What good am I to anyone if I am beyond change?  What good am I to myself?

What I would love more than anything would be to get a call or an email with one of my dream job apps (that are already in round two) telling me to come on over and try to work out the details.  All in good time ... all in good time.

Till next time, thanks for reading!